The brightness dimmed....

There was a stillness about them. Silence and confusion settled life a fog over a meadow. The brightness dimmed. The Light of Heaven had stepped down to the threshold of earth. The Son of God was no longer among them. He presence was gone and His absence was tangible. Jesus, sent to earth? Those who knew Him and worshiped Him as He should be worshiped, floundered. Quietly, they stood. Waiting. Surely He would be with them again quickly. What needed to be done that required His presence in such a lowly and sinful place? He had only to speak. At the sound of His voice, obedience followed. He was the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! All of existence was at His disposal. Yet, He was gone. There. Among the wicked and godless creations.

This made no sense. And it was not comforting as the Father explained. Jesus would live there for a time, as a man, among those He created. As they pled for His return, God interrupted to reveal that Jesus had gone at His request. To accomplish God's mission for mankind. He would live there. He would be rejected. He would be tortured......He would die. No! Impossible! Mankind would not let this happen! They would know Him! They would worship and adore Him!

As history would have it, they did not know Him. Except for a few, they turned from Him and wanted no part of His life, His teaching."Who is this Jesus?" They asked. "Crucify Him!" They demanded. The host of heaven watched in horror. Surely the Christ would do something to stop this. Surely God would end His agony and bring Him home! How could this possibly be part of the plan? He was holy. He was sinless!

Then, darkness fell. It was finished.

Who is this Jesus? Let us not forget. He is Immanuel. He is Sovereign. He is Love. And He willingly came to us. Willingly and knowingly, He sacrificed Himself. For us. That babe in the manger was Almighty God, Ruler of the universe He created. Savior of mankind. STILL, He comes to us. Our response to Him? Do we take this impossible, immeasurable gift for granted? Do we accept what He has done for us and then turn away? To our own desires? Is it too hard to serve, love and obey? The God eternal came for us. What will we do?

...just when I am "getting my hackles up" I should be "pouring my heart out".....

So, just when I think I've got this humility/servant hood idea all under control, the Lord says, "Not so fast." I cringe, duck and wait for it.......then He throws out a name. I involuntarily flinch. Ugh. She.....I try to put my finger on why my immediate response has been a negative one. Envy, I think. Jealousy. Well, that's pretty ugly. Then He throws out another name. BAM! This person has been mean to me, unnecessarily. I want her to get what's coming to her. Oh. Wow. Another name......Well, she just gets on my nerves. She causes me extra effort...."But I love them," He says to me. "They are hurting. Someone needs to reach out to them." I am obviously not a tool He can use. Just when I thought I loved everybody, thought I was mirroring Him to those around me. I felt I had learned so much and had become such a better tool for Him.....not so much. Instead of "getting my hackles up", "I should be "pouring my heart out." All of a sudden it was about me again. Palm to forehead. Really Lord? How can I miss this so badly? Where do I lose sight of You? When do I step away to do my own thing and hope You join me?

A dear friend shared with me something she was learning in her walk with the Lord. She said, "God comes to us, disguised as life." I had no immediate response. That idea was so far-reaching and deep that I needed a moment to soak it in and discover its implications. That is a profound truth we almost always miss. We like to categorize God and keep Him in a box, on a shelf, whatever, where He is handy to take out and put to use. HOLY SMOKE! Who do I think I am? And yet the great I AM pauses there, beside me, waiting for me to get a clue. He's not working in my life only when I recognize it (Him). He is vitally involved in every aspect and moment of my day. Every interaction, conflict, disappointment and tragedy is at His disposal. He will use anything that touches me FOR MY BENEFIT if I allow Him the freedom. 

I think I step away form Him when I label "stuff" as mine or His. Some things I can handle. I want to handle. I don't need His input. I step away in my own power, my own strength, thinking I am capable on my own. At that point, no longer am I mirroring Him, but myself......sorry, friends and strangers. I blow it every day. You do not receive the treatment, encouragement and love you should because I am walking in my own power. But be aware I am drawing closer. I am listening to His voice, I am allowing Him to mold me. I will be a better tool in your life. And I will love you no matter what.

I want, I want, I want. I don't care who my Shepherd is......

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." He rests me. He restores me. He leads me. He protects me. He comforts me. He provides for me. My cup overflows. And still I'm not happy.....

Why? Why not? Because I do not abide.....I do not rest in, submit to, focus on Him. It is a way of life I have not yet learned to live. I can be God-like, but not abide. I can minister to others and not be abiding. My outer "being" can resemble one who is settled, confident, satisfied, put together. While on the inside, there is struggling, fear, anxiety, sadness.....being in control on the outside while being overwhelmed on the inside.

Abide. He wants me to stand with my arms outstretched and fall backwards into His plan without flinching, without trying to catch myself, without checking out what's back there, without hesitation or concern.

Abide. He wants me to open the mail, line the bills up, most resent "past due" to "present due" and have hope in Him, not in my capabilities to provide.

Abide. As I grieve a job, a relationship, a loved one, health.....He wants to bring me peace and comfort and show me how this is part of His loving plan. All I can do is focus on the loss.

Abide. When I don't get what I want. When my pride is bruised. When life gets uncomfortable......He wants me to abide.

Abide. Trust Him. Allow Him to work. Accept my circumstances as they are, coming from my loving Savior. Let Him have His way. Give up my demands. Listen to Him and obey. It is the first step to walking with Him in a satisfying, exciting life.

It becomes a life where He is in control, but He takes care of everything. Where I submit, but I'm not responsible. A life where I get to be part of His miraculous work, not proud of my own pitiful efforts. I experience being used by the creator of the universe, a tool in His hands, protected by His love.

I choose to be the branch and let Him be the vine. This way....His joy will be in me and my joy will be full....

John 15

Abiding.....in the garage.....

So.....once again.....the celestial mirror is held before my face, and I cringe....

We are in the process of moving from SC to VA. Jeff is already there, working. I am still at home....packing, handling details, making decisions (take it or ditch it?), etc. My biggest nemesis is the garage......reaching out for me with deadly tentacles, seeking to entangle me and crush me. It looms behind the basement door....waiting....growing.....ever there, never going away.....!! Ever thought about how it would be if your house just burned down? I'm there.

Every corner of my brain for the last several weeks has been nagged with what's coming. What has to be done before we move. Knowing I had to get serious about the "room of outer darkness" I decided to have my "quiet time" with the Lord. (Not sure if it was a delay tactic or if I was seeking to gain strength....) But I sat down, took a long breath, leaned back asked, "What passage, Lord?"

"John 15? No, Lord." I have spent extensive time in chapters 13-17 recently. I even put a status post on FB about abiding. So, my first reaction was what else could I possibly find to encourage me today? Oh....John 15.....abiding.....oh........obviously, the Lord was not done with me, yet. See, I'm finding there's often a disconnect between the marvelous truths the Lord shows me and the application of those truths in my life.
I think I have changed, made adjustments, corrected wrong motives and actions. But then the Lord sends a "This is what I'm talking about" line drive and I'm too busy dodging, running to stand still and abide. To practice what I thought I'd learned. Abiding.....

John speaks of our true vine. Christ. I must remain "attached" to him. That's my job. Just that. Nothing else. It's not my job to grow me. I don't prune myself. I don't cause fruit to come. I abide. How easy is that?!? Well....for me? Not so very. I am a fixer, a planner, a "be in charge and get 'er done" kind of gal. I also want to go about it how I think it should be. I am not okay with sitting back while someone else makes the decisions, puts in place the time schedule, sets up how things will be accomplished. No.

Or.....I could (continue to) learn to abide....."Abide: to remain, continue, stay, dwell, reside, to continue in a particular condition, attitude, relationship, to put up with, tolerate, stand, endure...." "I am the vine, you are the branches.....apart from Me, you can do nothing." This is where the grace that saved me, continues to enable me to grow to be like Christ. No effort of my own could in any way possible come close to what He can accomplish through His grace at work in my life. He works, I abide. Sit still and leave it in His hands.....

So! After some mid-day sustenance, my plan is to march right out there and see what the Lord will do, what He will accomplish when I get off my podium and follow....abide......

He's listening, really listening....

Today, God answered prayer....for me..... well, for someone else, for my benefit, and theirs....whatever. Today He stepped into my world and let me know He is active. He moves. He loves me.

Today was not a wonderful day for me. Actually, because of me. I decided. I stepped away  from what I knew God would have me do, how He would have me be. I loosened the reins on self and gave myself permission to be.....hmmmm.....(Do I want to be honest here, or gloss it over a bit.....)...ok, to be a jerk. (That's honest and a little glossy all in one.) I became "weary in well doing" and threw in the towel. Then I threw in the bathroom sink, the trash can, my toothbrush and anything else I felt like throwing. Then, I kicked it all into the hallway and threw it down the stairs. It was great! And I felt miserable after. See after dealing graciously with life's challenges for a while, I felt it only fair that I should be done. These difficulties should end. I should be relieved. I decided God's time was up. I was done.......and still miserable.

Then, my friend texted to tell me how a situation had changed for her. A specific prayer request had been answered just how we had prayed for it. Then I remembered exactly how I had prayed that day. It went something like this....."Lord, we have prayed about this over and over. I pray, half the time with no expectations. I just pray. I need to know this is real, Father. I need to know you hear me. Please teach me how to talk with You." I don't remember the rest as I finished that day.

I have been a Christian a long time. And that can be a real handicap. How so very often, do I come before the Lord and recite words to Him, and walk away, never expecting to see His miraculous response? And never expect a response at all. Perhaps, being God and all, He sees that in my heart. He knows I pray without conviction, without passion, without hope, without expectations......and He knows I will never even notice if nothing changes......

BUT TODAY He showed His might to me. He reminded me that He is actively involved in my life. Every part of it. Even when I act like a brat, have a tantrum and pout. O man. Will I EVER learn? Thank you, Lord for being who You are. And for loving me when I'm being who I am......

He had a choice, you know....

Christ knew what was coming......He asked for any other path that might spare Him and still accomplish the will of the Father. He had a choice.....

Nevertheless....He was arrested. He was falsely accused. He was tortured. He dragged His own cross through the streets for all to see. He was humiliated and nailed to that cross. Then, His cross was dropped heavily into the ground and He was lifted up in agony and shame, perfect and holy....and alone...because He chose to.....

I have choices. I can choose to forgive and love my enemy. I can choose to be joyful in difficult circumstances. I can choose to be sacrificial with my time and resources. I can choose to not be offended when I am wronged. I can choose to put myself aside and lift up my Savior. I can do this in His strength and because I love Him.

When I think of the choices He made on my behalf and totally for my benefit, I am ashamed. I am ashamed because I am reminded of choices He has put before me that would represent small sacrifices for me. I am ashamed because I choose selfishly. Over and over. Time and time again, my choices have demonstrated my self-love......it breaks my heart....and yet He loves me. It is these choices that required His sacrifice on His cross. For me. I should be willing to do ANYTHING to show Him my love. But it would seem, I choose to show my love only when it is easy, when no sacrifice is involved......Can that really be love? Genuine love?

When I view my life and its difficulties in comparison to the trauma of the cross......well, it's pathetic. I do so little and whine so much....but...Always, His scarred hands reach out to me. Always, He is willing to bring me into the arms He stretched out on that cross and hold me close to the body that was mutilated for me. He loves me beyond my sin.....

Halleluiah! What a Savior!

...discouragement...

In my Christian walk, I find it easy to become discouraged. My discouragement is fertile soil for Satan's attacks. As he plants seeds, picks at me, drapes weights on my back and slaps me around spiritually, I stumble. Sometimes it seems I am stumbling, landing or rising up from a fall more than I am walking in strength and confidence on the path the Lord has laid before me. So, what gives? I know that is not God's plan for His children. His grace provides what I need to live in joy, peace and fulfillment as His child.

As I contemplated this and whined before Him, He (once again) gently helped me look with transparency at my life (usually not a pleasant experience). It would seem, for me, that discouragement comes when I am trying to move forward while looking back over my shoulder. I look back, and long for what has been, what I've lost, what I want that He has moved me past already. My desires. When I do this, it is impossible to see the remarkable life He has spread before me.

If I stand with my arms outstretched, like He did on the cross, I can only look at one hand at a time. I look to my left and see things grasped there that only discourage me. Satan's tools. I focus there, fearful, regretful, sad . OR. I look to my right and I see His loving grace, freedom, purpose. I cannot focus on both hands at once....it is a choice.

In my selfishness and weakness, my attention is drawn to my accomplishments (good or bad), my experiences, and my desires. My goodness. It does not bring me peace, joy, purpose, love. As I kneel before Him and relinquish myself and all my plans, my past, my desires, my weaknesses and fears, He lifts me up with His strength, His love, His wisdom, His humility, His purpose.....it is a choice.

Where do you stand today, my friend? Which direction are you facing? If you are struggling, that is your answer. You are not walking with the Lord....it is a choice.

Jeremiah 29:11...."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

...out of the mouth of babes......and old women....

So, today as I prayed, I heard myself say, "Lord, you are not troubled by my situation....." Hold up. What? did I just say? The Lord encouraged me to hang there for a few minutes..... The Lord ISN'T troubled by my situation. So, what have I to fear? IF He is in control, IF He is all-powerful, IF He is all-knowing, IF His grace reaches past my salvation and straight into my Christian walk, IF He loves me beyond what I can understand, then I HAVE nothing to fear. Nothing to be troubled about.

Holy Smoke and Hallelujah!

"When fears are stilled, when strivings cease,
My comforter, my all in all!
Here in the Love of Christ I stand!"

It's not on me! It's on Him! And He begs daily for me to just hand it over and relax, quit "striving" to make things work, to figure it out. Oh. So much wasted effort. So many hours of anguish and worry. Christ will guard my heart (emotions) and mind (intellect) and give me peace (Phil. 4:7) HE will do it. I don't have to work up peace for myself. I don't have to "fix" my life so I can be more peaceful. I must not let my heart be trouble, but believe in Jesus (John 14:1) and let Him do the work He desires to do in my life.

As so often, it comes down to a choice. Will I trust Him? Will I give my life to His control and not second guess Him, let Him work? Or do I prefer my present situation.......

Here ya go, Lord. See what you can do with this mess. I'm done.

We don't lose hope, we give it up.....

Sometimes you get to the place where hope no longer exists. Any circumstance that might produce hope, that might give a glimmer of hopeful expectation for you, instead breeds a cynicism that dictates there must be some other reason for the good that might otherwise make you feel hopeful. Too many times your hopes have been dashed, your desires for better once again dissolved into nothingness. Hopeless. It is a devastating destination.

However, there is a basic flaw in this approach to life. Hope. Is. A. Choice. We CHOOSE to let circumstances dictate our attitudes toward life. We choose to focus on details that will encourage us toward hope, or we choose to focus and submit to details that murder what hope we may have and plunge us into the muck of discouragement and despondency. We don't lose hope. We give it up. Yes. And I want my hope back. I suffer hopelessness because I place my hope foolishly. I hope in things and people who will consistently fail me. rob me of my hope, and lead me into hopelessness and despair.

What then, if I am to choose wisely, are my choices? Not circumstances, not others, not even myself. All will eventually let me down, lead me astray, and disillusion me. This is not a multiple choice question. There is only one answer: God...... He is hope. His steadfast love gives us hope. He will never fail us. (That does not mean we will get everything we want.) But because He is trustworthy, we can depend on the fact that there is good ahead for us, regardless of our circumstances. There is purpose in life, no matter how the past wants to drag us back there. There is reason to move forward no matter how far back I have fallen....

There is reason to hope, no matter how many times we have been disappointed. In Him is hope.......choose wisely.....

....broken pieces....

I've been thinking a lot about being broken....We are all broken. For some of us, that is easier to acknowledge than it is for others. But, still, it is there. Some of us are broken in half, devastated and without hope. Others of us are just (in our minds) chipped, the perfection barely broken. Nonetheless............

 I walked along a sandy beach, impressed, inspired, in thought...
Gazing on the ocean, vast, amazing wonders wrought.
How insignificant was I to stand along this shore?
The power represented here, the mighty ocean's roar!
My quest that day, to seek out the shells thrown up by waves each night;
To find the perfect specimens, pleasing to my sight.
No chips, no cracks, no barnacles to mare its surface. Then
I'd pick it up, the chosen one, approved. I'd smile again.
But more and more I'd toss them back, rejected for their scars.
The broken ones were everywhere, as many as the stars.
And as I looked, so many had the possibility
For beauty on their broken backs or underneath to see.
The colors, shapes and textures they represented each,
Were strewn in multitudes across that sandy beach.
I looked at my collection, then and stopped to think anew.
The ones I had were merely whole, but beautiful were few.
I turned around and started back, discarded ones to find.
I wanted them, the broken ones, they were on my mind.
For suddenly, I realized they represented me.
Broken, yes, but even more, remolded perfectly!
All tumbled in the ocean sand and slammed against the shore,
Each shell had come to me that day from off the ocean floor.
Each had its own story, its journey from the deep
That represented its own struggles....then I began to weep.
The ocean was my life that day, and me the broken shell.
My Savior, the collector there, and He was choosing well.
"I know how I can use this one!" He said and then picked me.
And in my Savior's hand then, I knew that He could see
Beauty there within myself I did not recognize.
He wanted me, He'd use my life. I'd value in His eyes.
So as I left the beach that day, wonders in my soul,
I had to smile. I had to praise. For Christ had made me whole!

rdb, 3/14

When did I stop thinking life was dessert?

The young boy, intent on his destination, entered the forest under a canopy of vibrant green, spring leaves just emerging on the branches above him. But he didn't notice. He walked on velvety moss, moist and full of recent rains. But it did not catch his attention. Sounds and creatures all around him clamored for recognition, to no avail. Then. He stumbled and fell, a bruised toe quickly embraced in his little hand. His focused determination to move through the forest was halted and he was forced to be still right where he was. Slowly, he began to notice.....things. A bird's nest hung precariously in the branch, just out of reach. As he watched, the mother bird arrived to four famished, cheeping babies. A rustle in the bushes next to him followed with a small brown body, striped down the back. A chipmunk. He lay back to watch the world around him. For several minutes, life revealed itself to him, beautiful, wonderful, promising. This forest could be my life.....And occasionally, God orchestrates the opportunity for me to halt. Be still. And see that He is good. How many children will rush through and tolerate dinner, just to get to the dessert? What a shame that the meal has not been enjoyed, also. What if dessert WAS the meal. What if the meal was as good AS dessert? What wonders am I missing in my life because I am so busy I cannot notice or take time to appreciate them? To what extent does my life indicate that I am in control and do not have time to be grateful for the dessert all around me? Am I working toward making my life happy when I could BE happy as I move through every day, on my way to.....wherever it is the Lord is taking me? Perhaps instead of dragging the Lord along, convincing Him this is the right way, the best plan, I should slow down. Stop. Walk WITH Him, waiting to see what He has planned and enjoying the forest as we go.....

I shall not be shaken....

So, you know that moment when something happens, you see something, someone says something.....and it just takes the wind out of your sails? Your ship shutters, slows, stops.....Some times, you have to remind yourself to breathe. Time changes to slow motion as you reconnect yourself to reality. You feel shaken to the very core of your being. Yeah, that moment. Been there. Did that. Today. I wanted to mentally shake my head, blink my eyes. Hard. Processing. Processing. My heart and demeanor said, "Okay. That's it. That's all. I'm tired of this mess. I don't have to do this. I will not accept this in my life. Nope. Done. Forget it. Not going there any more. All this while the Holy Spirit tries to speak truth to me. You know the scenario where a kid is caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He knows he's done for. But he really wants the cookie, no matter what. So, he grabs what he can and crams as much as possible into his mouth as his mom moves toward him. Or you know what your friend is going to say, so you put your hands over your ears and sing Mary Had a Little Lamb to drown out that voice. Yep that's me and my Comforter. Why do I become "weary in well doing"? Why am I willing to abandon the fight and give it up? I have lost my vision for the end of the game. I've forgotten the future for which I fight. I look only at my present pain and have no concern for what God has planned ahead for me. I forget my adversary, Satan, who wants nothing more than for me to collapse in the dirt and moan my sorrows to anyone who will listen. No. NO! NO! NO! I will not switch teams. So, I put the cookie back and take my hands from my ears. Psalm 62: For God alone my soul waits in silence; He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken. For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.

Wait.....What?

Life has a way of picking me up and exclaiming, "Let's go!" I am programed to move forward....well, at least to move! Sometimes it seems the movement is a bit sideways, but that will suffice as long as I don't have to sit still. I need to see results, productiveness, results! But....this mind frame easily lends itself to a self focus instead of lifting my eyes to God and giving Him a chance for some input. I have my own agenda. Instead of saying, "Here am I Lord, send me." "Here I go, Lord! Watch me!" would be more appropriate. I want to please Him, I just like to decide how to accomplish it myself. As if I know better what He wants than He does...... The Lord has me in a major holding pattern right now. He keeps directing me to words like "wait", "hope", "trust" and "be still". I struggle between sitting quietly (if not impatiently) and tantrums that require the Lord to handle me like a two year old as He grabs my chin, directs it upward and says, quite intensely, "Look at my eyes" before He begins to chide and redirect my passions. Ugh. My heart wants to trust as my actions, desires and thoughts indicate anything but a resting in Him. "Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:13,14. "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him." Psalm 37:7. Okay, so, yeah. I know what to do. I know what He wants. But what's the deal in the meantime, Lord? I just sit here? I don't think so. I won't go any place where I might have to sit and wait without some kind of activity, a book or at least a legal pad and a pen. If nothing else, I can make some kind of list!! "Learn of Me." He says. Learning about Him always sheds an uncomfortable light on myself. This is not gonna be fun. And it's not. But as He holds me by the ankle and speaks to me about me, I learn. Slowly I rest both feet by His side. I put down my legal pad. I pay attention. Then He interacts with me in such a way that I begin to see more clearly my sins and selfishness. I begin to understand me, in light of Him. It's obvious where changes need to be made in order for us to have the intimate relationship I so desire. Remember the part about it not being fun? O yeah. Well, O no! would be more apt. I've got plenty to do while I wait. His assignments concerning holiness and pride alone will keep me busy for quite a while. Slowly, I am distracted from my agenda to what He is trying to accomplish in my life. He has ministry out there for me, but I am no where near as ready for it as I thought I was (....pride...). So, I wait. I learn. I struggle to be still. I settle back down and listen. I run. I stop. I hope. I am still.....

God's love....It is enough.

Happy Valentine's Day! This special day when love is expressed. Sometimes, it's adequate. Sometimes it's pitiful, a last minute thought that demonstrates anything but love...This should be a happy day for all of us who have experienced God's love. Do not be sad on this day. Do not be discouraged. Do not be angry. Do not be hopeless. When we do this, we say to God, "You are not enough." We dismiss His great sacrifice which so completely demonstrated His love for us. This day is wide open for Satan to step in and mangle our selfish brains and confuse our purpose for being here. Turn from him and his push to focus inwardly. Step away from what you want to receive and, instead, give. Give of yourself. Give of your love. Honor God's sacrifice by allowing Him to love others through you. How do you want to feel at the end of this day? That will help you decide how to spend it....

struggling....

OK. So, this is what the Lord had in mind when he "encouraged" me to start a blog of transparency. Sharing my heart just as it is, without polish or makeup....O, yuck....Today, I struggle. See, I have this "situation". (Not sharing specifics is okay. It will keep you from comparing my deal with your deal. My struggling is real life. So is yours. Let's go from there.) I have faith that God is working. He has it all under control. It's all for my good. Fine. But I'm tired. Every day I struggle to honor Him in my actions and attitude. Every day I hope for a change. Every day I look for some sign that my struggling is coming to an end, or at least will lessen. Every day, I trudge forward, unsure of what good it is doing. Enough. I just want to stop, stomp my feet and refuse to go on until I get some questions answered. Like: Why, Lord is this necessary, or even profitable? What is this all accomplishing? Will it all make a difference in the end? HOW LONG can this possibly go on? What are your plans? Isn't there some other way? I realize I am being disrespectful and arrogant. And yet, the strength of my humanity, my flesh pushes me forward like a spoiled brat, struggling to effect some control over my life. Because, you see, I have such a better idea of what I need/want than He does.....Right? Actually, I know what I want and I want Him to give it to me. I don't care if, in the long run, it's the best for me. Just give me some relief! Once my tirade is over, and I sit silently, pouting, I wait. I wait while I come to my senses. I wait for His response. As I wait, I know I am wrong. I am self-centered. I am stupid.....Slowly, He reminds me of His love, of His past provision for me, of the strength and support He promises for times like this, to people like me. He reminds me of His love. Finally, with my head hung low, my hands in my pockets, I lift my eyes to Him. Why does He continue to love me? I can see it in His eyes. And as He opens His arms to me, I rush forward and am engulfed in His peace and comfort. Again.

inside-out.....

So it's been 3 years since I posted on this blog site. That's about the time that my gentle little life took such a tailspin that didn't know which way was up. (I actually experienced that phenomenon at the beach once when a wave tossed me. I could not figure out where my feet should be to get my head above water. I was tumbling and did not know if I was upside down or right side up, very disoriented. And that's an apt description of what was happening in my life....) Jeff (husband) was in a terrible accident in Atlanta, mid-February. He really should have died, but God had different plans. With extensive injuries (broken leg, 12 broken ribs, cracked pelvis, several discs in his spine injured, bruised heart to name a few), he was in intensive care at Emory for several days and remained in the hospital down there over a week (They released him to come home and wait for the swelling to go down in his leg before he could have surgery.). We came home to begin recovery only to have it interrupted with leg surgery. Then recovery began in earnest. It was a slow process and difficult for both of us. With Jeff finally back on his feet (as well as he ever would be) I had a few months reprieve before Daddy suddenly went home to be with the Lord. That changed my life. I experienced grief unlike any I'd ever known. Growing past that trauma was painful and slow. Less than a year after Dad's death, Mom began to develop health difficulties, culminating with a heart condition where her prognosis was that she had 2 days to 2 months left to live. For nine months, we lived under this shadow until God changed the plans on us and she began her road back to good health. Then she decided it was time to sell her home. When Dad died, his absence was painfully obvious there at "Granny's and Papa's". But at least we had that gathering place where we could come together and be a family. Moving her from her home was another life changer. Then I lost my job. Actually, I was fired. Another new experience for me. And it was one of "those" situations. I tried hard to be a brave soldier. God's in control. Everything has a purpose. Sure. But I was hurting and now had a new mountain to climb. Then you throw in typical life situations, relationships, finances, health, etc and all of it has brought me to where I am now. I have arrived at a place. I am not sure where it is. But the Lord is with me here. And He has impressed on me that I am to share what I have learned/am learning. Openly. Authentically. Completely. We are still negotiating on just how completely he will require me to be, but this blog is my first step. I want to share with you. My struggles can help you. Learning from me will be encouraging, revealing and hopefully will save you trauma that I had to experience to learn. Please do not be confused. I have not arrived. He is not done molding, training and disciplining me yet. It's just that as part of further growth for me, I must share. So be it.