struggling....

OK. So, this is what the Lord had in mind when he "encouraged" me to start a blog of transparency. Sharing my heart just as it is, without polish or makeup....O, yuck....Today, I struggle. See, I have this "situation". (Not sharing specifics is okay. It will keep you from comparing my deal with your deal. My struggling is real life. So is yours. Let's go from there.) I have faith that God is working. He has it all under control. It's all for my good. Fine. But I'm tired. Every day I struggle to honor Him in my actions and attitude. Every day I hope for a change. Every day I look for some sign that my struggling is coming to an end, or at least will lessen. Every day, I trudge forward, unsure of what good it is doing. Enough. I just want to stop, stomp my feet and refuse to go on until I get some questions answered. Like: Why, Lord is this necessary, or even profitable? What is this all accomplishing? Will it all make a difference in the end? HOW LONG can this possibly go on? What are your plans? Isn't there some other way? I realize I am being disrespectful and arrogant. And yet, the strength of my humanity, my flesh pushes me forward like a spoiled brat, struggling to effect some control over my life. Because, you see, I have such a better idea of what I need/want than He does.....Right? Actually, I know what I want and I want Him to give it to me. I don't care if, in the long run, it's the best for me. Just give me some relief! Once my tirade is over, and I sit silently, pouting, I wait. I wait while I come to my senses. I wait for His response. As I wait, I know I am wrong. I am self-centered. I am stupid.....Slowly, He reminds me of His love, of His past provision for me, of the strength and support He promises for times like this, to people like me. He reminds me of His love. Finally, with my head hung low, my hands in my pockets, I lift my eyes to Him. Why does He continue to love me? I can see it in His eyes. And as He opens His arms to me, I rush forward and am engulfed in His peace and comfort. Again.