Wait.....What?

Life has a way of picking me up and exclaiming, "Let's go!" I am programed to move forward....well, at least to move! Sometimes it seems the movement is a bit sideways, but that will suffice as long as I don't have to sit still. I need to see results, productiveness, results! But....this mind frame easily lends itself to a self focus instead of lifting my eyes to God and giving Him a chance for some input. I have my own agenda. Instead of saying, "Here am I Lord, send me." "Here I go, Lord! Watch me!" would be more appropriate. I want to please Him, I just like to decide how to accomplish it myself. As if I know better what He wants than He does...... The Lord has me in a major holding pattern right now. He keeps directing me to words like "wait", "hope", "trust" and "be still". I struggle between sitting quietly (if not impatiently) and tantrums that require the Lord to handle me like a two year old as He grabs my chin, directs it upward and says, quite intensely, "Look at my eyes" before He begins to chide and redirect my passions. Ugh. My heart wants to trust as my actions, desires and thoughts indicate anything but a resting in Him. "Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:13,14. "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him." Psalm 37:7. Okay, so, yeah. I know what to do. I know what He wants. But what's the deal in the meantime, Lord? I just sit here? I don't think so. I won't go any place where I might have to sit and wait without some kind of activity, a book or at least a legal pad and a pen. If nothing else, I can make some kind of list!! "Learn of Me." He says. Learning about Him always sheds an uncomfortable light on myself. This is not gonna be fun. And it's not. But as He holds me by the ankle and speaks to me about me, I learn. Slowly I rest both feet by His side. I put down my legal pad. I pay attention. Then He interacts with me in such a way that I begin to see more clearly my sins and selfishness. I begin to understand me, in light of Him. It's obvious where changes need to be made in order for us to have the intimate relationship I so desire. Remember the part about it not being fun? O yeah. Well, O no! would be more apt. I've got plenty to do while I wait. His assignments concerning holiness and pride alone will keep me busy for quite a while. Slowly, I am distracted from my agenda to what He is trying to accomplish in my life. He has ministry out there for me, but I am no where near as ready for it as I thought I was (....pride...). So, I wait. I learn. I struggle to be still. I settle back down and listen. I run. I stop. I hope. I am still.....