Wait.....What?

Life has a way of picking me up and exclaiming, "Let's go!" I am programed to move forward....well, at least to move! Sometimes it seems the movement is a bit sideways, but that will suffice as long as I don't have to sit still. I need to see results, productiveness, results! But....this mind frame easily lends itself to a self focus instead of lifting my eyes to God and giving Him a chance for some input. I have my own agenda. Instead of saying, "Here am I Lord, send me." "Here I go, Lord! Watch me!" would be more appropriate. I want to please Him, I just like to decide how to accomplish it myself. As if I know better what He wants than He does...... The Lord has me in a major holding pattern right now. He keeps directing me to words like "wait", "hope", "trust" and "be still". I struggle between sitting quietly (if not impatiently) and tantrums that require the Lord to handle me like a two year old as He grabs my chin, directs it upward and says, quite intensely, "Look at my eyes" before He begins to chide and redirect my passions. Ugh. My heart wants to trust as my actions, desires and thoughts indicate anything but a resting in Him. "Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:13,14. "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him." Psalm 37:7. Okay, so, yeah. I know what to do. I know what He wants. But what's the deal in the meantime, Lord? I just sit here? I don't think so. I won't go any place where I might have to sit and wait without some kind of activity, a book or at least a legal pad and a pen. If nothing else, I can make some kind of list!! "Learn of Me." He says. Learning about Him always sheds an uncomfortable light on myself. This is not gonna be fun. And it's not. But as He holds me by the ankle and speaks to me about me, I learn. Slowly I rest both feet by His side. I put down my legal pad. I pay attention. Then He interacts with me in such a way that I begin to see more clearly my sins and selfishness. I begin to understand me, in light of Him. It's obvious where changes need to be made in order for us to have the intimate relationship I so desire. Remember the part about it not being fun? O yeah. Well, O no! would be more apt. I've got plenty to do while I wait. His assignments concerning holiness and pride alone will keep me busy for quite a while. Slowly, I am distracted from my agenda to what He is trying to accomplish in my life. He has ministry out there for me, but I am no where near as ready for it as I thought I was (....pride...). So, I wait. I learn. I struggle to be still. I settle back down and listen. I run. I stop. I hope. I am still.....

God's love....It is enough.

Happy Valentine's Day! This special day when love is expressed. Sometimes, it's adequate. Sometimes it's pitiful, a last minute thought that demonstrates anything but love...This should be a happy day for all of us who have experienced God's love. Do not be sad on this day. Do not be discouraged. Do not be angry. Do not be hopeless. When we do this, we say to God, "You are not enough." We dismiss His great sacrifice which so completely demonstrated His love for us. This day is wide open for Satan to step in and mangle our selfish brains and confuse our purpose for being here. Turn from him and his push to focus inwardly. Step away from what you want to receive and, instead, give. Give of yourself. Give of your love. Honor God's sacrifice by allowing Him to love others through you. How do you want to feel at the end of this day? That will help you decide how to spend it....

struggling....

OK. So, this is what the Lord had in mind when he "encouraged" me to start a blog of transparency. Sharing my heart just as it is, without polish or makeup....O, yuck....Today, I struggle. See, I have this "situation". (Not sharing specifics is okay. It will keep you from comparing my deal with your deal. My struggling is real life. So is yours. Let's go from there.) I have faith that God is working. He has it all under control. It's all for my good. Fine. But I'm tired. Every day I struggle to honor Him in my actions and attitude. Every day I hope for a change. Every day I look for some sign that my struggling is coming to an end, or at least will lessen. Every day, I trudge forward, unsure of what good it is doing. Enough. I just want to stop, stomp my feet and refuse to go on until I get some questions answered. Like: Why, Lord is this necessary, or even profitable? What is this all accomplishing? Will it all make a difference in the end? HOW LONG can this possibly go on? What are your plans? Isn't there some other way? I realize I am being disrespectful and arrogant. And yet, the strength of my humanity, my flesh pushes me forward like a spoiled brat, struggling to effect some control over my life. Because, you see, I have such a better idea of what I need/want than He does.....Right? Actually, I know what I want and I want Him to give it to me. I don't care if, in the long run, it's the best for me. Just give me some relief! Once my tirade is over, and I sit silently, pouting, I wait. I wait while I come to my senses. I wait for His response. As I wait, I know I am wrong. I am self-centered. I am stupid.....Slowly, He reminds me of His love, of His past provision for me, of the strength and support He promises for times like this, to people like me. He reminds me of His love. Finally, with my head hung low, my hands in my pockets, I lift my eyes to Him. Why does He continue to love me? I can see it in His eyes. And as He opens His arms to me, I rush forward and am engulfed in His peace and comfort. Again.

inside-out.....

So it's been 3 years since I posted on this blog site. That's about the time that my gentle little life took such a tailspin that didn't know which way was up. (I actually experienced that phenomenon at the beach once when a wave tossed me. I could not figure out where my feet should be to get my head above water. I was tumbling and did not know if I was upside down or right side up, very disoriented. And that's an apt description of what was happening in my life....) Jeff (husband) was in a terrible accident in Atlanta, mid-February. He really should have died, but God had different plans. With extensive injuries (broken leg, 12 broken ribs, cracked pelvis, several discs in his spine injured, bruised heart to name a few), he was in intensive care at Emory for several days and remained in the hospital down there over a week (They released him to come home and wait for the swelling to go down in his leg before he could have surgery.). We came home to begin recovery only to have it interrupted with leg surgery. Then recovery began in earnest. It was a slow process and difficult for both of us. With Jeff finally back on his feet (as well as he ever would be) I had a few months reprieve before Daddy suddenly went home to be with the Lord. That changed my life. I experienced grief unlike any I'd ever known. Growing past that trauma was painful and slow. Less than a year after Dad's death, Mom began to develop health difficulties, culminating with a heart condition where her prognosis was that she had 2 days to 2 months left to live. For nine months, we lived under this shadow until God changed the plans on us and she began her road back to good health. Then she decided it was time to sell her home. When Dad died, his absence was painfully obvious there at "Granny's and Papa's". But at least we had that gathering place where we could come together and be a family. Moving her from her home was another life changer. Then I lost my job. Actually, I was fired. Another new experience for me. And it was one of "those" situations. I tried hard to be a brave soldier. God's in control. Everything has a purpose. Sure. But I was hurting and now had a new mountain to climb. Then you throw in typical life situations, relationships, finances, health, etc and all of it has brought me to where I am now. I have arrived at a place. I am not sure where it is. But the Lord is with me here. And He has impressed on me that I am to share what I have learned/am learning. Openly. Authentically. Completely. We are still negotiating on just how completely he will require me to be, but this blog is my first step. I want to share with you. My struggles can help you. Learning from me will be encouraging, revealing and hopefully will save you trauma that I had to experience to learn. Please do not be confused. I have not arrived. He is not done molding, training and disciplining me yet. It's just that as part of further growth for me, I must share. So be it.